Potential?

The owner of the Thai restaurant I go to regularly, has been trying to convince me to got to Vietnam. He tells me when the best season to buy tickets is, and where to go, and how the women will treat me, and so on. What's interesting to me, is how this man, who I'm guessing is in his mid thirties, owns multiple Thai restaurant chains, in like four different countries, thinks the idea that the places he suggests for me to go (Hotels, clubs, restaurants other than his own, massage parlors) only hire women in their late teens to early 20's, before their family sends them off to what he called, Labor Farm (sounds like some kind of Slave Camp to me), which is why these women will flock to young, unwed tourists, to try and get Married, and taken from their home country for freedom. He was laughing about this, as though it's a great system of young, female exploitation.

I could tell by his tone, that it wasn't like he was necessarily a cigar-puffing elitist about it, but more that he saw it as simply “the way it is in the Asian culture”, which is exactly how he described it. I just thought it was weird that he saw me, as someone that would somehow appeal to that sort of exploitation. Maybe because through our various conversations we've had while waiting for my noodles, (because I go there a lot), I admitted that if Prostitution was legal and regulated here in Washington, I would probably partake. But that isn't out of some strange, false sense of exploitation, but rather an agreed exchange of services.

Anyways, I told him that I thought there should be some Federal regulation to prevent that kind of discrimination against employment opportunities. But he did say something kind of compelling, he said that in Vietnam, it is truly a Free Market. So long as local businesses are making money, the government doesn't really care how it’s done, even if it means not having laws of “Fair Employment Opportunities”. This got me thinking, “Oh yeah then, FUCK the Free Market.” If it’s about Profits at the exchange of human dignity and the prevention of one’s utility for labor, then that is just one more, out of many reasons, that the monetary system is truly obsolete. Now I don’t want to travel to Vietnam, or anywhere else, really. I just want this grid to crash now. So what went from a friendly conversation about Traveling to exotic places, meeting new and interesting people, and enjoying beautiful women, went to a dark, Nihilistic consideration for what I just can’t stand about this era.

The utter loss of human potential.

I've been feeling like my mortality has been counting down to something inevitable, health-wise. It's been going on particularly for the past couple of years. It's hard to explain. I know I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, but this is different, more prevalent. I've been to the doctors, gotten blood tests, I even had my stools tested, being I was having a series of colon abnormalities, although I haven't gone in for a colonoscopy, yet. I might have to do that soon. Anyways, so far everything checks out normal. My point is, that I'm always feeling this strange lingering that something is wearing me down. I get tired periodically throughout the day, I feel like specific areas of my body ache consistently. I check those areas for evidence of any bumps or polyps, but I don't ever notice anything. I simply suspect something is wrong with me, but I don't know what. I guess I'm writing this so I can come back to it later, like a long time later, and see how silly I'm being, and that I really need to stop concerning myself and just live my life. I've said before, that all I want is to feel normal. I want this feeling of dread to go away, so I can just be myself, and live a life without the hovering of something maybe killing me off slowly.

Who am I now?

I do more than I admit to, for the sake of avoiding looking pompous. I am actively concerned of what others think of me, while carrying myself with an air of confidence to conceal my insecurities. I'm dangerously modest, in order to prevent myself from redeveloping into the kind of person I was in the past decade, however this is a conflict because I've also become someone who is so fucking atrophetic, that I no longer have the ambitions to fulfill the achievements I once possessed. I am heart-broken, yet satisfied. I seek attention, while refusing to provide it in return. I challenge everything that is of the status-quo, try to instill alternatives, and desire to foster that is positive. However, admittedly it's all getting harder each day, and I'm finding I lack the fervor to bother engaging, and instead find myself recoiling away, to dwell in my own bitterness. 


I do what I can, even if it seems that there is very little I can do. I suppose if I have a positive impact on even one person during my course, I can say, that it has been worth it. 


And, of course... I love Goats.

What for my community

So over the past couple of months, since my last post, I've recoiled back into my "safe place" again, to not expose myself to others. Folks tell me over and over, things like "In life, without taking chances, nothing happens for you.", or similar such statements. Honestly, I don't see what's wrong with me not taking chances in life, and instead living in a way that prevents things from happening. I mean, honestly, do these fucking people who perceive themselves "doing things", and taking chances ultimately the results amount to anything more than a cock-swinging story-telling of how fucking amazing they are? In the end, they're going to die just like the rest of us, eventually to be forgotten. No one else really gives a shit, other than themselves, so truly they are just as lonely and isolated as I am, only at least I am aware of who and what I am, more intimately comfortable with myself in ways they never can because they lived a life so dependent of external stimulation, that when they do get a moments chance to sit back and self-reflect, they don't even know what to do with their own thoughts, and eventually grow depressed because they aren't distracted from their own loneliness. It almost makes me feel sorry for them... almost.

I prefer these phases, and right now, although I do get a little down on myself for not taking at least more advantage of my local community in ways of assisted services, youth programs, donations, or whatever else is needed of civil labor, I appreciate the phase I'm in. It may seem sad to others, but I assure you, aside from my awareness of my own able, but lacking potential, I am well.

Syvern.

Over-passionate, back to Observation

In the past couple of years, I have transcended from a less observational standpoint of human affairs, and instead began to pick sides of conflicts, for those that I thought fit the model of Impositional Infringement, i.e. policies or actions that undesirably or more importantly, irrationally and directly affect someone else's well-being. I saw such occurrences to be intrinsically immoral in a naturalistic way, as in, a person's remnants should not impede or digress the remnants of someone else. If someones actions directly affects someone else against the recipients desires or will, then it should not take place, or the imposing individual should be dealt with as according to the laws of the voting society, blagh blagh blagh.

I still hold this to be a viable stand-point. However, recently I've been reflecting on my previously more Deductive phase, and would prefer to return to that state of mind. I found myself to be more positive in my over-all expression to others, my thoughts were much more collective, and my ambition to do things was more elevated then it has been in the past few months. I wonder if I have come to a tail's end of this particular phase of myself.

Most of this recent phase can be related to my readings of David Humes (Antinatalist Philosopher), Gary Inmendham (youtube Philosopher), and as always Henry David Thoreau, as well as me simply juggling around a few other physicist's ideologies to suit my on-going accumulation of the Naturalistic Philosophy.

I will be returning to my studies of Deduction, and will also be working to incorporate these recently practiced Moral Conducts into it, and then see if I can transition these into my writings as a consistent illustrative medium for exemplifying these concepts.

I'd like to see that this then, develops in my personal development, and in general makes me a better person than I have been before. Because right now, I'm thinking I have been dabbling in a dark field of subjective self-proclaimed whining, a set back, and it has made me stupid and weak in my verbal expression. It's time to grow up a little.

Moving/Change

The entire concept is completely frightening to me. The idea of having to reduce my belongings to a portable medium capacity, to making the necessary phone calls to attempt to get a suitable employment to maintain a monthly income, in order to pay for my monthly expenses, and in general, doing something new, all make me want to bunker down, hide, and disappear. I honestly struggle to dig into the depths of me, to find this ambitious drive, this thrill for the xeno of a new environment, and to find the means to break my comforts which to me are well established, in order to attempt something that might very well put me into a position of threat, and possible calamity. "Why fix what isn't broken?" I think. "You only live once." I say. "What have I got to lose?" Honestly, to me, I have everything to lose as I know it. But at the same time, I have pretty much everything to gain as well. So how then, do I weigh the circumstances of what I have now, against what I could, not will, but might possibly gain as an alternative? Someone might ask, "Is what you have really all that great?" and I can answer, "Yes. To some degree, what I have is pretty damn good." I have a place to live that is suitable and comfortable, on my own. Bills are paid without the threat that I wont be able to get by. I end each month with an accumulative profit. I love the state I live in, although that may be because I haven't experience any other, so do I then accept the conditions provided because of my lack of experience to know otherwise? Anyways, I have some family here, although I admit, that doesn't really intrigue me personally as it might for some other people. I'm not married, no mortgage, no pets, I own my car, no debt, full-time employment and I am damn good at what I do, although not that the job is really all that demanding and saying I'm good at it is kind of pathetic considering I sell electronics to people on a daily basis. I mean, how respectable is that? But whatever, it's easy for me, I get new devices at a discount price. I can pay off their charge in much less amount of time than the offer is provided. No heavy medical bills. I have my health. I am a good looking son-of-a-bitch (thanks mom), all the modern commodities of industrialized living. Why would I want to risk it?

The answer?

For love.

Foolishness stems from the subjective impulses of human beings, and I, being a proud practitioner of Deductive Logic, am not immune to this fallacious endeavor. My feelings reach for this person I have invested much of my time, and devotion to, within the few months, to half a year, that I have spent with her. And I don't want it to end. I consider the risks constantly. How long will we remain together, to allow the expense of time, money, and patience to endure that risk? Will she cheat on me, will she simply lose interest, will I be able to maintain employment, can I handle the weather, the people, en-mass and life-style? But most of all, will she be with me for long enough to make the move worth while? My thoughts are simple on the matter. I risk not moving at all and losing her completely, or risk going to her and losing her anyways. The conclusions are consistent to this trend, my loss in her. That, aside all the other concerns, is the primary pain, will I lose her?

What is this, abandonment of loves in the past? My father, my younger sister, my partner, myself? Can I not cope with the possibility of simply being together while it last and not worry myself of the results? But isn't that the definition of foolishness as well, to act without regard of the consequences? If so, then how can I pride myself as a Rationalist? What good am I to anyone, mainly myself to act with such a care-free whim? Oh, it's romantic, irregular, unique, and unpredictable. Blagh, blagh, blagh-shut the fuck up! I don't care about all that theatrical bullshit, I want this to work. But, then what the hell does that even mean, "to work"? What am I working towards, what is my objective, what am I attempting to accumulate, to harvest, and to what end? I am a coward. But I cowardice in rational means. I guess what concerns me, is does this make me less of a person existentially? If so, then something will change.

Change... shit, that scares the hell out of me.