Moving/Change

The entire concept is completely frightening to me. The idea of having to reduce my belongings to a portable medium capacity, to making the necessary phone calls to attempt to get a suitable employment to maintain a monthly income, in order to pay for my monthly expenses, and in general, doing something new, all make me want to bunker down, hide, and disappear. I honestly struggle to dig into the depths of me, to find this ambitious drive, this thrill for the xeno of a new environment, and to find the means to break my comforts which to me are well established, in order to attempt something that might very well put me into a position of threat, and possible calamity. "Why fix what isn't broken?" I think. "You only live once." I say. "What have I got to lose?" Honestly, to me, I have everything to lose as I know it. But at the same time, I have pretty much everything to gain as well. So how then, do I weigh the circumstances of what I have now, against what I could, not will, but might possibly gain as an alternative? Someone might ask, "Is what you have really all that great?" and I can answer, "Yes. To some degree, what I have is pretty damn good." I have a place to live that is suitable and comfortable, on my own. Bills are paid without the threat that I wont be able to get by. I end each month with an accumulative profit. I love the state I live in, although that may be because I haven't experience any other, so do I then accept the conditions provided because of my lack of experience to know otherwise? Anyways, I have some family here, although I admit, that doesn't really intrigue me personally as it might for some other people. I'm not married, no mortgage, no pets, I own my car, no debt, full-time employment and I am damn good at what I do, although not that the job is really all that demanding and saying I'm good at it is kind of pathetic considering I sell electronics to people on a daily basis. I mean, how respectable is that? But whatever, it's easy for me, I get new devices at a discount price. I can pay off their charge in much less amount of time than the offer is provided. No heavy medical bills. I have my health. I am a good looking son-of-a-bitch (thanks mom), all the modern commodities of industrialized living. Why would I want to risk it?

The answer?

For love.

Foolishness stems from the subjective impulses of human beings, and I, being a proud practitioner of Deductive Logic, am not immune to this fallacious endeavor. My feelings reach for this person I have invested much of my time, and devotion to, within the few months, to half a year, that I have spent with her. And I don't want it to end. I consider the risks constantly. How long will we remain together, to allow the expense of time, money, and patience to endure that risk? Will she cheat on me, will she simply lose interest, will I be able to maintain employment, can I handle the weather, the people, en-mass and life-style? But most of all, will she be with me for long enough to make the move worth while? My thoughts are simple on the matter. I risk not moving at all and losing her completely, or risk going to her and losing her anyways. The conclusions are consistent to this trend, my loss in her. That, aside all the other concerns, is the primary pain, will I lose her?

What is this, abandonment of loves in the past? My father, my younger sister, my partner, myself? Can I not cope with the possibility of simply being together while it last and not worry myself of the results? But isn't that the definition of foolishness as well, to act without regard of the consequences? If so, then how can I pride myself as a Rationalist? What good am I to anyone, mainly myself to act with such a care-free whim? Oh, it's romantic, irregular, unique, and unpredictable. Blagh, blagh, blagh-shut the fuck up! I don't care about all that theatrical bullshit, I want this to work. But, then what the hell does that even mean, "to work"? What am I working towards, what is my objective, what am I attempting to accumulate, to harvest, and to what end? I am a coward. But I cowardice in rational means. I guess what concerns me, is does this make me less of a person existentially? If so, then something will change.

Change... shit, that scares the hell out of me.