Potential?

The owner of the Thai restaurant I go to regularly, has been trying to convince me to got to Vietnam. He tells me when the best season to buy tickets is, and where to go, and how the women will treat me, and so on. What's interesting to me, is how this man, who I'm guessing is in his mid thirties, owns multiple Thai restaurant chains, in like four different countries, thinks the idea that the places he suggests for me to go (Hotels, clubs, restaurants other than his own, massage parlors) only hire women in their late teens to early 20's, before their family sends them off to what he called, Labor Farm (sounds like some kind of Slave Camp to me), which is why these women will flock to young, unwed tourists, to try and get Married, and taken from their home country for freedom. He was laughing about this, as though it's a great system of young, female exploitation.

I could tell by his tone, that it wasn't like he was necessarily a cigar-puffing elitist about it, but more that he saw it as simply “the way it is in the Asian culture”, which is exactly how he described it. I just thought it was weird that he saw me, as someone that would somehow appeal to that sort of exploitation. Maybe because through our various conversations we've had while waiting for my noodles, (because I go there a lot), I admitted that if Prostitution was legal and regulated here in Washington, I would probably partake. But that isn't out of some strange, false sense of exploitation, but rather an agreed exchange of services.

Anyways, I told him that I thought there should be some Federal regulation to prevent that kind of discrimination against employment opportunities. But he did say something kind of compelling, he said that in Vietnam, it is truly a Free Market. So long as local businesses are making money, the government doesn't really care how it’s done, even if it means not having laws of “Fair Employment Opportunities”. This got me thinking, “Oh yeah then, FUCK the Free Market.” If it’s about Profits at the exchange of human dignity and the prevention of one’s utility for labor, then that is just one more, out of many reasons, that the monetary system is truly obsolete. Now I don’t want to travel to Vietnam, or anywhere else, really. I just want this grid to crash now. So what went from a friendly conversation about Traveling to exotic places, meeting new and interesting people, and enjoying beautiful women, went to a dark, Nihilistic consideration for what I just can’t stand about this era.

The utter loss of human potential.

I've been feeling like my mortality has been counting down to something inevitable, health-wise. It's been going on particularly for the past couple of years. It's hard to explain. I know I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, but this is different, more prevalent. I've been to the doctors, gotten blood tests, I even had my stools tested, being I was having a series of colon abnormalities, although I haven't gone in for a colonoscopy, yet. I might have to do that soon. Anyways, so far everything checks out normal. My point is, that I'm always feeling this strange lingering that something is wearing me down. I get tired periodically throughout the day, I feel like specific areas of my body ache consistently. I check those areas for evidence of any bumps or polyps, but I don't ever notice anything. I simply suspect something is wrong with me, but I don't know what. I guess I'm writing this so I can come back to it later, like a long time later, and see how silly I'm being, and that I really need to stop concerning myself and just live my life. I've said before, that all I want is to feel normal. I want this feeling of dread to go away, so I can just be myself, and live a life without the hovering of something maybe killing me off slowly.

Who am I now?

I do more than I admit to, for the sake of avoiding looking pompous. I am actively concerned of what others think of me, while carrying myself with an air of confidence to conceal my insecurities. I'm dangerously modest, in order to prevent myself from redeveloping into the kind of person I was in the past decade, however this is a conflict because I've also become someone who is so fucking atrophetic, that I no longer have the ambitions to fulfill the achievements I once possessed. I am heart-broken, yet satisfied. I seek attention, while refusing to provide it in return. I challenge everything that is of the status-quo, try to instill alternatives, and desire to foster that is positive. However, admittedly it's all getting harder each day, and I'm finding I lack the fervor to bother engaging, and instead find myself recoiling away, to dwell in my own bitterness. 


I do what I can, even if it seems that there is very little I can do. I suppose if I have a positive impact on even one person during my course, I can say, that it has been worth it. 


And, of course... I love Goats.